February - Boundaries

I am a bit late on this review. I got distracted on the the Lemony Snicket series and the Left behind series :-P

If y'all have been following my blog posts, there is no secret that I have been learning to grow more faith in our LORD Jesus to be my Shield, to lay down my anxieties, to develop His gifts in me, and to fine tune my relationships. In the midst of my tests and errors, I have learned to listen to my husband better, purify my motives, prune my life, trust Him in using my gifts, and desiring not other's words but His more and more each day. I remember the lowest I was in this lesson started the end of last summer. I could not understand what God was doing. I felt confused and frustrated. I wanted so bad to use my gift at church but God kept saying no.

We had left our last church a year ago at that point because God clearly told both of us to take a sabbatical. For a whole year, we attended a church with great preaching but felt no peace to join. When we decided to hop again, we prayed hard to go where God would have us, the first church we hopped to was where He needed us. I was ecstatic. I was eager to serve. But the Lord said no. He was clear and serious about pruning my schedule, my real life, and my spiritual life. I guess I expected it, knowing Phill was graduating and things were happening all around us. He is getting us ready for something great. I know because He told Phill in a couple of his dreams and quiet times.

Now you are wondering why I am going on and on about this when I am supposed to write about this book, Boundaries. Let me tell you. I had committed myself to things God is now saying, "Joanna, cut the strings." I am an S/I/C with a gift in mercy. I love to help. I say yes to many things. I don't like saying no. But the Lord knows that's a strength but also a life draining weakness. Praise the Lord, one of my other gifts is faith. So through hardship, suffering, and prayers, my husband, counselors, godly ladies surrounded me with assurance, sound doctrine, righteous advice, and I continue to allow God to chisel my life. (Philippians 1)

You looking for the book review, here it is: I have a lot of valid and biblical reasons I am involved, but this book gave me many wrong reasons to be involved. When I see hurt people, poor people, fatherless people, homeless people, old people, young people, babies, lost people, widows, ..... you get the idea, I cannot help my heart from filling with compassion. My heart is drawn to serve, to help, to love, to give. I find myself saying "please don't say no".

Boundaries is divided up into 3 sections:
Part I What are Boundaries Ch 1-6
Part II Boundary Conflicts Ch 7-13
Part III Developing Healthy Boundaries Ch 14-16

Chapter 2 of this book, categorizes the readers into 4 different unhealthy types.

1. Compliants (me) - "Saying Yes to the bad"
2. Avoidants - "Saying No to the good"
3. Controllers - "Not respecting others' boundaries"
4. Nonresponsives - "Not hearing the needs of others"

I am not an extreme compliant Cloud described but I can surely identify. "This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they 'melt' into the demands and needs of other people.... The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil."

Cloud gave a great list of why this happens to the compliant. I will list what I struggle with: (p.51)
1. fear of hurting the other person's feelings
2. fear of someone else's anger
3. fear of being seen as bad or selfish
4. fear of being unspiritual (I now believe #3-5 stems from wounded pride - aims high and don't like failure)
5. fear of one's conscience (feeling guilty)

This quote spoke to me so much, "Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires 'compassion, and not sacrifice.'" When my heart get hit by compassion, if I even think about saying "no," I honestly felt everything on my list and thought I wasn't a godly woman if I didn't "sacrifice". That's a horrible way to live.

Chapter 4-5 explain how boundaries are developed. These chapters showed me how to better raise my kids to say No and Yes at the right times. I also learned a lot as they revealed to me how my boundaries got a bit murky as an adult. Yes, apparently it started when I was born!

I know I am going through each chapter but I just have to mention this chapter because I know I totally believed in these lies and that there are many other godly women who believe in these lies! Don't believe these myths! God wants us to live in freedom and in His loving will. Cloud called these Boundary Myths.

Myth #1 If I set boundaries, I'm being selfish
Myth #2 Boundaries are a sign of disobedience
Myth #3 If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others
Myth #4 If I set boundaries, I will hurt others
Myth #5 Boundaries mean I am angry
Myth #6 When others set boundaries, it injures me
Myth #7 Boundaries cause feelings of guilt
Myth #8 Boundaries are permanent, and I'm afraid of burning my bridges

I honestly struggled with #1, 2, 4, 7, and 8. Praise our Father He has been chiseling me. I don't know how I lived before all of this!

Part II was a great read. Cloud listed out different personalities, conflicts, and possible solutions. Each chapter focused on helping readers build healthy boundaries and tear down unhealthy boundaries for different types of relationships. These chapters are slower reads but they are truly helpful to anyone who has a family, children, friends, bosses, a Savior etc.. ;-) Everyone needs to learn what healthy and unhealthy is so we can effectively live our lives for our Lord and Savior.

Part III, helped me identify and get inside the heads of the different types of people who might have a problem with my boundaries. The second last chapter lists 11 stepping stones to success with boundaries. I believe I am on step 11. :-) I can tell you that our Jesus can do immeasurably more than we can imagine because I was already on step 11 when a great friend handed me this book. This book is one of His many ways to affirm me and confirm me. If you don't know our Savior Jesus Christ, accept Him today. The Word of God, Jesus, is the Healer for your soul. (John1:1,2) You can read many of these books and still be the same. No book, no program, and no one else can replace Him.

Was it easy to get to step 11? No way. At one point, my mentors and friends came over so much to check up on me I knew I must have been looking how I was feeling. This is a continual healing. I have to persevere and do what God has taught me in the past 9 months, tearing down unhealthy parts and rebuilding healthy parts of my life continually. But I can tell you this, quitting my jobs was easier than I thought, I now enjoy saying No and setting boundaries, obeying the Lord and dropping unhealthy burdens are better than disobeying and suffering spiritually.

If you are struggling and feeling you need to read this book, here are some other things that the Lord has taught me
1. Anguish -struggle with God. Don't let Him go till He blesses you
2. Study His Word faithfully - for me, it was the books of Ezra and Nehemiah that spoke to me
3. Pray with pure motives - leave your integrity and character intact
4. Focus on the family broadcast - Finding freedom from destructive relationships 1,2
5. Journal - God is with you and as your journal, praise Him for His continual work in you
6. Biblical counselors - God used mine to get rid of my fears.
7. Godly people - friends with the same mind and Spirit are essential. They're healthy parts you cling to.
8. Mentors - call them. my mentors are all God-sends. They're also prayer warriors.

God used so many people, events, and Word in my life to chisel and free me. I praise You oh Lord for loving me, my family, and my life. You are the One who has stopped me in the tracks, disciplined me, molded me, and healed me. Continue to do so, and help every person who happened to be reading this to see that You are the Healer and that with You all things are possible. Help us as followers to be holy as You are holy. AMEN.

Till the next book,

Joanna

November - No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps

So, I have to admit, I got this book from Christianbook.com because it was only a dollar with free shipping. This book was on clearance and was a book that got my attention with its cover and title. I was hesitant and was skeptical.

Paul Coughlin was a football coach. You can tell from the way he wrote this book. No muss, no fuss. To the point and very honest. He has also written No more Christian Nice Guy, and Married but Not Engaged.

In No more Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps, Coughlin first targeted the adults. "They were told as children that nice boys and girls, especially Christian kids, don't exert their will, don't stand up and fight, and don't do conflict." Is it true for you? Is it true for your parents? "Turn your cheek, Jesus said." What does that mean? Where is that passage, anyway? 


Matthew 5:39

“But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also."

The two chapters, Matthew 5-7, spoken by Jesus, was to his Jewish followers about the their fellow brothers, Samaritans, and Roman authorities. Matthew 5:38-42, Jesus refers "slaps" to insults that we as Christians might receive gracefully. Here's a great article on this verse.

During my time in ministry, I always hear the phrases, "don't ruffle the feathers," and "quit making waves." Why? Especially when you are unreasonably, and unjustly treated by your own brothers and sisters in Christ.  According to Coughlin, "Refusing to make waves is not an indicator of a life well lived. Refusing to make waves is the sate that precedes drowning."

In Chapter 3, Overprotective parents, Underdeveloped Kids, the author gave a list to identify "helicopter parents". These parents

• interrupt their child often
• tell their child what to think and feel, even telling them that what they are currently thinking or feeling is wrong
• override their child's initiative
• abruptly changes topics of conversation
• tell their child to change his.her facial expression
• are only willing to discuss certain issues (39)

Sadly, helicopter behavior isn't only parental, it is also relational. Many of these parents have helicopter parents themselves, helicopter spouses, and even helicopter friends. Healthy boundaries, are very important in every relationship. God isn't a helicopter God. He is a loving God who continue a conversation (not a monologue), who gives and receives, who allows us to make our own decisions, make mistakes, and runs back to Him when we repent. 

Here's another great passage on page 198, 

• We parents must grasp this vital distinction. Forcing a kid to do the right thing is not the same as building courage in her, which in turns builds other qualities (like respect). In order for behavior to cultivate the young soil of courage in our children, it must be voluntary  not coercive.  They must first want to do the right thing, then receive encouragement to stay upon this gallant course, which means helping them handle fear.

I cannot force or coerce my children into doing things. I confess, I have done that out of desperation before. I hated not being in control of their sinful actions and behaviors. I can't make them repent, I can't make them feel bad for their sins, I can't force them to pray. But I have noticed, it is better to let the Holy Spirit do that job because I cannot go into their hearts and spirits and tug on them. I cannot be God to them and judge them. I can only be Jesus to them. Teach them, serve them, pray for them, and love them as Christ does. 

My philosophy in parenting is still being developed. The Lord has been gracious to me. He has been my mentor in this. Both my husband and I did not have great examples but God is our perfect Father. If you are thinking about having children, pregnant right now, have kids running around, or have grand kids running around, one advice: keep reading and do not get lazy. 

Proverbs 4:24-27

Keep your heart with all diligence,
For out of it spring the issues of life.
Put away from you a deceitful mouth,
And put perverse lips far from you.
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
And your eyelids look right before you.
Ponder the path of your feet,
And let all your ways be established.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
Remove your foot from evil.

I give this book a 4 out of 5. It was an interesting read. I liked it because it challenged me to look at my parenting and watch for ways to build up my children to be courageous and chivalrous. Pick it up, you might like it, you might hate it.

JoJo